Two days ago I had a birthday. That morning I came to the realization that I was a thirty-five year old woman with minimal experience and a somewhat checkered past. If such a combination even makes any sense. (TMI, you say? *shrug* We'll get to that later.) Well, I was good on my birthday. I got a little down on myself but other than that I was good. But the next day... I cried. And the day after that... I cried. Mind you, I'm not a woman given to much crying or depression at growing older. It's just that I thought I'd be in a different place in my life by now. And it's challenging to convince myself that I shouldn't be somebody's awesome soccer mom and loving wife at thirty-five. It's also challenging to convince myself that it's not all my fault.
Through a very loving and respectable source I was made aware that I desired getting married more than I desired GOD. *sigh* (pause) *heavy sigh* How EXACTLY was I supposed to reign in my desire for something that I've wanted for nearly twenty-three of my thirty-five years on this earth?? Okay, so I didn't actually want to get married at twelve but I remember feeling an acute loneliness that I was sure could only be satisfied by that 'special someone'. Well, in the midst of lots of snot and tears this morning I asked GOD that very thing. And what did I hear? Ohhh... "I can do all things through Christ Who strengthens me." Go figure. This made me feel as if GOD had absolutely no compassion for my feelings and concerns. Of course He heard this thought so next I hear "I know the thoughts and plans that I have for you... plans for [your] welfare... and not for your harm..." Just what I needed to hear but definitely not what I WANTED to hear.
So needless to say I've been moping all day. I'm fully aware that the verses the Holy Spirit brought to my remembrance were GOD's way of encouraging me. Trying to cheer me up even. I mean, I was sitting here wondering whether or not I'm able to do something and here He was saying "I KNOW you can do it because I am here to help you do it." I was wondering what the future held for me if I dared to let go of this long-held desire and He was saying to me "Don't worry about it. I've only got good things for you." But I'm having a hard time with that. I have questions. Such as: What ARE those things that You have for me, GOD? And why don't they include my current crush declaring his undying love to me? LBVS (Another sad, sad story that I'm not sure I'll share. Okay, well... maybe.) And why am I just now understanding this? Am I really that slow?? (No need to answer that last one.)
I've always thought that I trusted GOD with everything. But I'm realizing that I don't. Not didn't. Or haven't been. Just don't. Not in this area of my life. He's allowed me to be alone for so long. On one hand, I'm concerned that I've wasted so much time that, in order to make up for that, I won't get married until I'm forty-five... or FIFTY! I suppose it's possible but I simply can't imagine feeling truly fulfilled in this life w/o having a family of my very own. On the other hand, I'm concerned that if I give this over to Him... I'll NEVER get married and never *ahem* have sex! (Not that sex is the most important reason to get married but it would be nice to have the experience. Hmmph!)
I know that this entry is supposed to end w/some hopeful little ditty about how GOD is sovereign and how things will work out for my good (whatever that truly means) but that's why this is titled "Turning A Corner". I'm still in the process. And I have no idea what will greet me once I've completely changed direction. But I'll be sure to keep you posted (and ocassionally share completely unrelated little tidbits) as I go along. Hope you'll choose to join me on this journey to developing a much needed trust in the LORD. And I'll even make you a few promises. I promise to be completely inappropriate, to share too much information and that you'll laugh at me... A LOT. And I welcome it.
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